( river finds him in the complex in the middle of one of his patrols. it's days after their last conversation, though she's not entirely certain how many -- the first few in her hungover haze were terrible and embarrassing, the few after that she'd still avoided most people, training, figuring out what she'd done and where to go next.
most of the time she'd spent trying to avoid what she'd done or said but there was one conversation that she couldn't.
when river finds him she grabs his arm, pulling him to a part of the complex that's a little quieter )
[ he doesn't appreciate this. doesn't care for the unexplained intrusion or the hand on his arm, the sudden force with which she draws him from his path.
over the past several days, he's seen her only in glimpses. hasn't attempted to get hold of her, nor thought that he had reason to do so. there were questions their previous encounter had planted, true, but he knows better than to expect direct answers from her. supposes that prying would only send her further away.
now here she is, bent on some mission or another. when she's finally slowed, he jerks his arm away, looks her over. ]
( river looks around before speaking again, letting her hand drop from his arm. she folds her arms, keeping a careful watch on him for his reactions )
You seemed to have that opinion the other night. ( though for the most part, river hadn't been that disagreeable about answering. until the end ) And unfortunately that's not something you can un-hear.
[ well. makes sense that that's what this is about. he watches her closely, a little coldly, decides he knows precisely which something she's talking about. ]
Isn't it.
It mattered that much.
[ it's partly a question, partly a challenge, a note of irritation winding through his words. he didn't ask for her to interrupt his patrol. didn't ask to be dragged across the void-forsaken courtyard. and he's not going to hide the annoyance he feels. ]
( oh, he's annoyed? river notes it and his reaction does nothing to ease her own feelings -- embarrassment hidden by annoyance coming out in a little aggression.
she sighs, letting her arms fall by her side. that response isn't going to help this conversation )
Yes, it does.
( and there it is. true honesty -- sober honesty. better than anything she'd given him whilst she'd been drunk )
this is different. this is... a change, and the surprise of it dissipates this irritation. maybe this isn't going to be some sort of combative lecture, after all. maybe there's something else at work.
daud takes a moment to fold his arms and study her, trying to piece out the meaning of this change and what's coming. ]
( oh, he's actually listening. river should have expected this, she did really -- you can't dangle something like she is without someone taking it. she'd just hoped that he'd say no so that she could keep her secret.
but there was nothing for it. she had offered this information up -- she could have ignored it, ignored that she'd said anything to him. she was drunk and it could have been anything but... it was what it was )
The gods did something when I arrived here. To me.
( to others as well. river didn't know how many but it was at least two of them )
[ is she offering truth, then? he can't think why she should, or why she doesn't return to speaking in riddled evasions. maybe it's a feint, a trap, some kind of not-quite-truth. it's hard to say. but he intends to hear her out. ]
Took something away.
[ he's guessing, assuming. there seem to be plenty here - daud included - who'd lost powers upon coming to this place. of course the gods hadn't mentioned it in their agreement; not as far as anyone can remember. and there's no relenting now, nor does there seem to be any way of regaining those old abilities.
daud expects that's what the woman means. or is there something else? ]
( she's taking it slow. it wasn't a power per se like what had been done to magnus, taking away his magic, just an alteration of her biology. it made her angry, not just because it had been done but because of her past. it wasn't the first time she'd been experimented on or altered )
They altered my biology, made me human.
( completely human, given that she was usually part-human )
[ it isn't easy, what she's saying. that much he gleans from the complications of low-level emotions, all that seems to be restrained beneath her surface. and how could it be easy, confessing some part of what you were before this place?particularly when you were other than human. particularly if what you were meant anything, at all.
'you're joking,' he almost says, only that seems liable to ward her off. better to play this cautious, play along even if she's toying with him. ]
All right.
[ he doesn't know her very well. it's a wonder she's speaking any of this. ]
[ though he has plenty of questions, he knows better than to jump in with too many too soon. still, it doesn't hurt to request clarification here and there along the way. ]
Whatever it does or doesn't mean, I'd be interested in hearing. If you think my 19th-century self can handle it.
[ ...so much for keeping snide remarks to himself. ]
[ it's nothing he's ever heard of. something from a different world or a different time, and while it occurs to him once more that she could be jesting, he continues to offer his tentative belief. because it's possible, certainly. because in this place, almost anything can hold actuality.
and what is a time lord, precisely. what constitutes the difference between a time lord and a human. what is it, precisely, that she'd lost? ]
We all lost something, coming here.
[ not necessarily a part of the self or a handful of abilities. for some, that something consisted of a lost home, lost family, lost whatever it is that people miss. daud isn't eager to specify his own losses; it's easier to talk in general terms. ]
( she knows, daud. she knows how dumb it sounds, how pretentious but it's what she is. and there's a difference -- she isn't gallifreyan, not like anyone else that would be a time lord. she's human -- human plus something else. it-- she's an anomaly )
Especially not with what they're asking us to do.
( they wanted them to fight, these chosen, to succeed where they couldn't in the war. but they'd then changed them, taken away advantages that could have helped us )
Some of what we lost could have made this easier for them.
[ he knows a thing or two about being an anomaly. not in the same way, of course, but all of the outsider's chosen became strange as soon as they're marked, become other-than-human, greater-than-human. there are still moments daud clenches his fist, expecting time to come to a halt. still times he forgets how much longer it takes his body to heal, how much more easily he gains damage. ]
I expect they enjoy watching us stumble.
[ expects the gods don't much care what was lost, that these gods aren't the most strategic of planners.
still. he's not going to be wholly sidetracked by this talk of gods. ]
( after working out how to explain this to magnus the words come a little quicker, though if daud is paying particular attention he might notice oddities in her story, things that don't entirely sound right even without understanding the context )
A species known as Gallifreyans. Not all became Time Lords but that was their origin.
[ none of this means much right now, but he notes the information and files it away. notes the new-grown questions that rise, as well. whatever she was is complicated, almost certainly. gallifreyans. evolution. all right. ]
( this was the part that she got a little more secretive on. it wouldn't matter so much here, whatever her strengths and weaknesses had been was less important because they couldn't be used or exploited. but talking about what she could do, what time lords were capable of-- she hadn't before )
[ ...uh-huh. what he hears is a space of unspoken somethings, hesitations, pieces of herself kept quiet. which is what he might have expected. which is what he's absolutely come to expect of this woman, evasive as she's been. ]
And you miss these biological characteristics.
[ is that a heavy strain of doubt in his voice? it might be. but he won't push too far. ]
( for a lot of it it isn't a noticeable every day thing but there are times when it could come in useful. other parts are just plain strange feelings, things that don't feel right because this body isn't quite right )
And being human is... I don't know how they do it.
[ he could make another smart remark - 'yes, who knows how WE do it' - only something in her words, the way she speaks them, the way they seem to twine from somewhere in her core stops him. she's being honest, intentionally or not, or else she's skilled at playing honest (which he wouldn't doubt; which he could absolutely envision her doing).
'i miss my body being familiar.' it's a strange statement. not entirely unfamiliar, and not remotely comfortable.
he'd like a cigarette right now. he'd like that very much. ]
( it's either deal with it or keep complaining and whilst river is dealing with it she expects that she'll also keep complaining. fuck these gods, though they likely weren't gods but some alien race. she's heard of that before )
[ he can't say he completely understands what river's told him. can't fit this idea of a time lord into what he knows about the world. he also doesn't intend to try to fit it in; as far as daud's concerned, the better route is to leave space for the idea, let it take whatever shape it can as he gleans more information. ]
( he'd already gotten something out of her and whilst it may not have meant anything she hadn't known that. it had meant something to her which meant she'd had to do something about it )
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most of the time she'd spent trying to avoid what she'd done or said but there was one conversation that she couldn't.
when river finds him she grabs his arm, pulling him to a part of the complex that's a little quieter )
We need to talk.
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over the past several days, he's seen her only in glimpses. hasn't attempted to get hold of her, nor thought that he had reason to do so. there were questions their previous encounter had planted, true, but he knows better than to expect direct answers from her. supposes that prying would only send her further away.
now here she is, bent on some mission or another. when she's finally slowed, he jerks his arm away, looks her over. ]
I wasn't aware.
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( river looks around before speaking again, letting her hand drop from his arm. she folds her arms, keeping a careful watch on him for his reactions )
You seemed to have that opinion the other night. ( though for the most part, river hadn't been that disagreeable about answering. until the end ) And unfortunately that's not something you can un-hear.
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Isn't it.
It mattered that much.
[ it's partly a question, partly a challenge, a note of irritation winding through his words. he didn't ask for her to interrupt his patrol. didn't ask to be dragged across the void-forsaken courtyard. and he's not going to hide the annoyance he feels. ]
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she sighs, letting her arms fall by her side. that response isn't going to help this conversation )
Yes, it does.
( and there it is. true honesty -- sober honesty. better than anything she'd given him whilst she'd been drunk )
If you're still listening.
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this is different. this is... a change, and the surprise of it dissipates this irritation. maybe this isn't going to be some sort of combative lecture, after all. maybe there's something else at work.
daud takes a moment to fold his arms and study her, trying to piece out the meaning of this change and what's coming. ]
I'm listening.
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but there was nothing for it. she had offered this information up -- she could have ignored it, ignored that she'd said anything to him. she was drunk and it could have been anything but... it was what it was )
The gods did something when I arrived here. To me.
( to others as well. river didn't know how many but it was at least two of them )
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Took something away.
[ he's guessing, assuming. there seem to be plenty here - daud included - who'd lost powers upon coming to this place. of course the gods hadn't mentioned it in their agreement; not as far as anyone can remember. and there's no relenting now, nor does there seem to be any way of regaining those old abilities.
daud expects that's what the woman means. or is there something else? ]
Or changed something?
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( she's taking it slow. it wasn't a power per se like what had been done to magnus, taking away his magic, just an alteration of her biology. it made her angry, not just because it had been done but because of her past. it wasn't the first time she'd been experimented on or altered )
They altered my biology, made me human.
( completely human, given that she was usually part-human )
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'you're joking,' he almost says, only that seems liable to ward her off. better to play this cautious, play along even if she's toying with him. ]
All right.
[ he doesn't know her very well. it's a wonder she's speaking any of this. ]
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I'm from the 52nd century. What I was won't mean anything but there have been a few things to get used to about being human.
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Whatever it does or doesn't mean, I'd be interested in hearing. If you think my 19th-century self can handle it.
[ ...so much for keeping snide remarks to himself. ]
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for his effort he gets a slow nod, the brief pause allowing river the opportunity to consider how to word it )
It means that part of my genetics is alien. Part-human, part-- ( tiny pause. she'd already admitted it to magnus ) Time Lord.
That's what I'd meant. I'm used to my body working differently, being able to do things I now cant. And I hate it.
( hate is an exaggeration but she's not pleased )
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[ it's nothing he's ever heard of. something from a different world or a different time, and while it occurs to him once more that she could be jesting, he continues to offer his tentative belief. because it's possible, certainly. because in this place, almost anything can hold actuality.
and what is a time lord, precisely. what constitutes the difference between a time lord and a human. what is it, precisely, that she'd lost? ]
We all lost something, coming here.
[ not necessarily a part of the self or a handful of abilities. for some, that something consisted of a lost home, lost family, lost whatever it is that people miss. daud isn't eager to specify his own losses; it's easier to talk in general terms. ]
These gods haven't made our lives any easier.
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Especially not with what they're asking us to do.
( they wanted them to fight, these chosen, to succeed where they couldn't in the war. but they'd then changed them, taken away advantages that could have helped us )
Some of what we lost could have made this easier for them.
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I expect they enjoy watching us stumble.
[ expects the gods don't much care what was lost, that these gods aren't the most strategic of planners.
still. he's not going to be wholly sidetracked by this talk of gods. ]
What is a Time Lord.
If you don't mind.
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( after working out how to explain this to magnus the words come a little quicker, though if daud is paying particular attention he might notice oddities in her story, things that don't entirely sound right even without understanding the context )
A species known as Gallifreyans. Not all became Time Lords but that was their origin.
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[ none of this means much right now, but he notes the information and files it away. notes the new-grown questions that rise, as well. whatever she was is complicated, almost certainly. gallifreyans. evolution. all right. ]
And you had, what, abilities? Strengths.
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( this was the part that she got a little more secretive on. it wouldn't matter so much here, whatever her strengths and weaknesses had been was less important because they couldn't be used or exploited. but talking about what she could do, what time lords were capable of-- she hadn't before )
Physical characteristics -- biological.
( all internal )
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And you miss these biological characteristics.
[ is that a heavy strain of doubt in his voice? it might be. but he won't push too far. ]
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( for a lot of it it isn't a noticeable every day thing but there are times when it could come in useful. other parts are just plain strange feelings, things that don't feel right because this body isn't quite right )
And being human is... I don't know how they do it.
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'i miss my body being familiar.' it's a strange statement. not entirely unfamiliar, and not remotely comfortable.
he'd like a cigarette right now. he'd like that very much. ]
I expect you'll work it out.
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( it's either deal with it or keep complaining and whilst river is dealing with it she expects that she'll also keep complaining. fuck these gods, though they likely weren't gods but some alien race. she's heard of that before )
No one does.
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[ he can't say he completely understands what river's told him. can't fit this idea of a time lord into what he knows about the world. he also doesn't intend to try to fit it in; as far as daud's concerned, the better route is to leave space for the idea, let it take whatever shape it can as he gleans more information. ]
Is there a reason you've shared this with me?
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( he'd already gotten something out of her and whilst it may not have meant anything she hadn't known that. it had meant something to her which meant she'd had to do something about it )
My truth is better than the alternative.
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